My last one year and a half

I'm never going to complete this before my birthday in June if I decide to write it in one sitting so I'll write down things as I go.

...was what I'm going to say. Now my birthday is only tomorrow I have to be quick, so here's a summary:

I got scammed by those fucking 民运 believing Tuanpai would do something to you-know-who. They did fucking nothing, and they're facing very severe consequences, as they should be for not doing anything. I understand it was totally my fault for being this stupid. I could do things *very* differently and had way more leeway, if ONLY I haven't believed in such a blatant lie. I'm so sorry that I'm this stupid.
I'm no longer an anarchist. In the past when I hated this place, I thought the concept of "nation" itself was the bad thing and there should be absolutely no nation; now I believe it was just because of China being what it is. One cannot exert order without a certain degree of violence; if this evil is inescapable, then I would much rather take things into my own hand.
I used to be pro-trans and pro puberty blockers. I read more about this topic, and decided not to. Current transgenderism is going down in a very dark and dangerous path and, if not countered properly, is going to make a whole generation suffer, especially in first-world countries.

For other stuff I had enough time to write down in details and they're here:

Finding out that I am asexual

That explains a lot of things... For the longest time I was:

Doubting if I was actually gay because I don't particularly like women.
Doubting if I was actually bisexual because I don't particularly like men either.
Not understanding why people call (sexually) good-looking girls hot or spicy or any word along the line - it seems like you're supposed to feel hot from the sexual urge? Never had it (I just think pretty girls are pretty), never understand it.
Not understanding why the focus on sexual parts in the anime community. (especially the breasts. For whatever reasons this community has a common hyperfixation on breasts. I never understand why we must talk about breasts as much as we do.)
Being amazed to no end by the fact that some people could just hook up solely for sex instead of something that has more emotional connections like cuddling.
Now that I think about it, I have always had a mildly-strong distaste for sex jokes too; I thought I was just being respectful.

Welp, at least that's much more comfortable tag to have than "being mentally challenged enough to not consider sexual things sexual".

Atheist to Wiccan to Deist

To be honest, up till now I still have zero spiritual experience, so I can't speak about that part. I don't know what's the correct way to describe this but this is how I see things currently:

My asexuality was God's intent: God asked me to be less horny (?). to be able to keep my mind outside of humanly desire.
Every downfall I've faced in my life was inherently a result of my sin (or at least in which my sin has played a major role), and
The fact that I understand and *come to terms* with all of this is the sign of the beginning of salvation. (or maturity, I suppose. I don't know how things would actually work out this way beforehand.)

The asexuality thing was the first that came to mind as a sign; and once you believe that it was indeed a sign, you start seeing signs everywhere: my early interests in theology was a sign, my way-too-early interests in philosophy was a sign, the cross in my palm was a sign, I came across the majorly Christian right-wing reactionary separatist movement mentioned above which can also be a sign (?)... I do believe (or I would really like to believe) there's ultimate salvation behind all this; I just need to find out what's the next obstacle and who He truly is.

I was a self-proclaimed half-Wiccan for a while before turning to deism. For some reasons the notion of believing there's two Gods does not sit right with me.

(I call myself a deist only because it's the closest word to describe what I currently think about religions and spirituality; I believe in signs so I guess God does somewhat intervene this world after all. I still have a lot to learn on this topic.)

But, one God or multiple? Male or female?

One. One that manifests as a single God and multiple Gods at the same time. I don't believe that God has a sex or a gender; to believe that God has to fit into such worldly categories feels blasphemous to me.

RRC 2023.6.1

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